Have you ever stopped to think about who you are trying to please?
Ask yourself that question right now.
Who is it?
Did your answer surprise you?
That question came up at a recent course I attended.
And I thought I knew the answer. Me, I’m trying to please me.
But when I thought a bit harder, and deeper, you know deep deep down (East 17 deep)… where the water is murky and muddy, well a different answer was lurking.
We were talking about the practise of creating time to think, where you just hold space for the other person to think, they can speak, cry, shout, ramble or just think in silence, your job is just to hold space with no judgement, comments, response.
Sounds easy? Oh my! This took hours for us to keep practising until we were even nearly good at it.
The judgement and the thoughts we have as we listen to others! And all this does is mean we aren’t holding the space. We are distracting and interrupting. Anyway - that is for another post another day.
The ponder today is around pleasing.
Because at the other end of the process is a person (me) trying to think. Which is great. Speaking out loud, throwing around ideas, pausing without anyone interrupting. But there was this feeling, an awkward feeling.
I wanted the coach to respond. I wanted them to say ‘great thoughts’, ‘good ideas’, ‘brilliant observations’. I really really wanted their validation!
‘Why’ asked our facilitator when we discussed the process.
‘For encouragement, for a sign to say I’m doing good work, for a pat on the head…’ I wasn’t sure. It felt like it needed more thought.
It made me wonder, who am I doing anything for?
In corporate life I maybe did want to do things to get my boss to say ‘brilliant work, well done’ - but really? Did I really need that? I already knew I was doing good work. Why did his opinion matter so much?
Am I still that child that wants my parents to say brilliant (we are from The North praise is not just dished out with your dinner, praise is hard earned and not obvious where it might come from).
Is this the reason why in good old employee surveys ‘ More Recognition’ always comes up as something to be improved. Because we are just these lost souls still wanting validation from others, like a child wanting a star from their teacher, to make us feel ok. Really, is that where we are?
So it feels like a big thing to do deeper thinking on.
Because is it really me I’m trying to please with my decisions, my priorities, my goals?
As a parent, as someone with others to take into account would that be a good thing anyway? Is it ok just to please yourself? Be a self regulator when it comes to deciding what is good and acceptable?
I’m thinking validation is different to pleasing. But they are closely related.
Pleaser and seeking validation. Is the difference important?
It’s going to be an interesting Saturday night throwing around these thoughts! But maybe they hold answers to our never ending feeling that we are not good enough. That no response equals no good.
What do you think?
Who are you trying to please?
And does it matter?
eleanor