They would have you believe that it’s good to talk, just talk they say. And maybe sometimes it is. But they don’t tell you that sometimes not everyone is ready to listen. They don’t tell you that you may get nothing back in return for your share. That not everyone is ready to hear. They might not want to hear, they might not have the skills, they might be afraid of what you are saying.
Of course it’s good to talk but talking comes with caution.
Talk but do it for you. Without expectation.
And if you invite someone to talk, listen, without needing to respond.
A few weeks ago I opened a lemonade bottle. It was on the side table after being delivered in the supermarket monthly drop. The moment was an unconsidered reach for the bottle, twist of the top, with the aim to pour into a glass. All very simple. However the moment quickly changed into requiring a jolt of action as the lemonade started to fizz and spray from the bottle, the force spun it out of my hand and it dropped on the table and did a 360 spin, quite impressive in other circumstances. I looked around for a tea towel, something to disrupt the explosion. The lemonade sprayed up the wall, coming to rest on the table where it poured, smoothly, over the side of the table and on to the floor. And then calm and quiet was restored in the kitchen. Apart from it wasn’t. Things had changed. I spent the next 40 minutes cleaning up, wondering what just happened.
A few days a go I was at a gathering, a few people I’d not seen for a while. One person looked a bit down. In a quiet moment, without much thought, I asked them ‘so how are you?’. ‘How do you think am I? What do you want me say? I’m fed up. I’m miserable…’ the out pouring of frustration, hurt, worry came spilling out. Not expecting this I stopped listening and started thinking about how to stop it. Perhaps a tea towel, to throw over them, to put in their mouth, no inappropriate, unhelpful. Oh gawd what have I unleashed. I wanted to run. I’ve poked a wasps nest and now the wasps are angry. Then there was a moment when it went quiet. ‘Sorry’ the person said. ‘But I needed that, thank you. It’s been a shit year.’ We then spent the next 40 minutes (maybe more) quietly chatting about what’s going on, how they are feeling, how they’ve been keeping up appearances. They apologised for what just happened, but there was nothing to apologise for.
When we ask people how they are, what is the invitation we are offering? Are we asking them to talk? Talk without judgement? Talk without fear? We may not feel equipped to handle what we hear but we are exactly what they needed. They need us to hold space for them. Not have answers, advice, guidance. Not to tell them we understand because our Auntie went through the same thing last year, so we know how they feel. Not to do to anything.
Just hold space.
When people ask us How we are, it’s ok to use that moment. But hold no expectation to what you might get back. It’s not about exchange. It’s not about getting something in return. It’s about space to express.
And just like the lemonade bottle, that might be all you needed. Space to express (but hopefully with less sticky mess).
eleanor
What is Talking to you?
Off the cuff: one mouth to talk, two ears to listen, therefore we are designed to listen twice as much as we talk! Not sure I always live by that but it is a good thing to remember every so often.
And now I have Captain Sensible's Happy Talk in my head without you even trying today Eleanor!