“If the concept of self-sabotage were a real-life person, I’d call them an interfering arsehole. Self-sabotage is that someone who shows up to parties uninvited, empty-handed, wearing muddy shoes. Self-sabotage is a trickster who loves messing up other people’s plans, and constantly tells us we can’t, or we shouldn’t. Self-sabotage tells you to drink a bottle of wine the night before a big interview because you 'probably won’t get the job anyway'.
Self-sabotage, sadly, seems to crop up a lot in my life. It doesn’t have a leading role, but it definitely plays a villainous extra in the background — one that I have come to recognise.
I have always had a strange urge to mess things up when they are going well. It’s something I’ve noticed, but rarely accepted.” - Extract Emma Gannon writing for Elle magazine, and author of Sabotage
It was the last sentence that really got me. A strong urge to mess things up. Maybe not always mess things up but just to not see things through.
I wonder how much of my 2021 unfun year was sabotage?
That the interfering asshole inside my head finally won, and said woah there, you don’t actually think this is going to work do you? Just at the moment it felt like it was actually going to work.
Maybe we will never know exactly how much self-interfering we do.
Because even though we think we should be able to know what we are doing, often we are oblivious to what we are creating.
I think I have been so close to many brilliant opportunities that I never got over the line, that I didn’t quite find the final burst required to get there.
It could be sabotage, it could giving up too soon. It could be fear of the success. Because being in struggle is far too comfortable. Or it could be your ‘sabotaging asshole friend’ is trying to tell you something.
Maybe this isn’t really what you want, maybe a rethink is required.
Self sabotaging can feel like a path of missed opportunities, destruction and undoing, but maybe it was just a sign to take a break and think. Am I deliberately messing this up?
eleanor
What does Sabotage mean to you?
I’m not sure we can ever know for sure. Maybe most important is to take a moment to question ourselves when we’re on the verge of going ‘what the hell, i’m Going to ...’.. and maybe do it anyway but maybe not. At least either option is mindful. Humans are very complicated!