OK - SO - I wondered if anyone really reads these and maybe this is just for me. But one way of finding out is not sending the note out at 6pm UK! Thank you for the emails! There I was sitting listening to Trevor Nelson winding down. So I write the note, but forget to press ‘Publish’ - minor detail!
Anyway here were my thoughts today! :)
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‘I’m tired of being resilient’ this came up in a recent group call I was running.
And we all instantly got it and understood.
Resilience feels likes it’s getting knocked down and getting back up again, and again, and again. A kind of bouncebackability, like one of those power balls you used have as a child.
But often the knocks don’t just come along once, especially in times of change. They come at you from all angles, with no rhyme or rhythm.
You think, well its ok I’ll get through this one, you apply the ‘rejection is redirection’ principle, you dust your self off and go again, and then a new hurdle appears and you jump and stumble over it, but that ok, you made it, and then the next comes in, and the next and now you are running out of bouncebackability, the bounce appears to keep ricocheting off the wall and hitting you in the face. Well this isn’t fun.
And all this keep going, grit, determination is starting to wear you out.
“Resilience isn’t about immunity to pain. It’s about finding the strength to withstand strain. You don't need to overcome all your hardships now. You just have to carry them until your future self can handle them. The burdens that seem heavy today usually feel lighter tomorrow.” - Adam Grant
So what do you do. Because often it doesn’t feel like you have much choice but to carry on. If you’ve lost your job, you need to find a way to pay bills, if you have personal issues, they don’t just go away because you are tired.
I once owned a flat in a very nice building in Birmingham. Soon after I moved in rain started to pour through the roof. It took nearly 4 years, thousands of pounds, and a lot of emotional energy to resolve. Each week I wrote letters, called the developers, insurers, housing associations, MPs, letting agency and slowly ran out of grit to be ok with it. I was then made redundant (the first time) and that felt like the final straw. But of course it wasn’t, it couldn’t be, it needed resolved! So I paused for a bit. I talk about pause a lot - and I’m not great at it. But sometimes you have to. I went backpacking for a few weeks. (Yes in the days when I could just do that!). While I was travelling a made a list of what I really needed to do, in what order, and what I’d focus on when I got back. Getting another job was priority - so I missed about 4 weeks of ‘prompting the developers’ as I called it. I got a new job and created a new plan to get a resolution and stuck to plan. Just one thing a week, that’s all I committed to. Life was disappearing and was being consumed by this issue. So it was time to dial it down. It didn’t go away, it just wasn’t taking over all my thoughts. By just doing one thing a week I put in more effort to get it right, word things correctly, get the right advice. And after 4 years it got resolved, I sold the flat, and was left with a big negative equity gift. Not one to just settle for a 15 year monthly payment for a bad property deal I had an idea to buy another property and include the negative equity. This story is a long long story in itself - but in summary I hadn’t worn myself out so that I was just happy the flat had been solved, I was still open to find a good thing to come of it. And that’s how I got my house I’m in now. Yes a lot of setbacks, nos, impossibles, money, time and resource. But I understood that I can deal with setbacks, I wasn’t bothered about the nos. I just kept going, without wearing myself out, because I thought I’ve solved one thing, Im sure I can solve this one too. I keep reminding myself that I got there, every time a new No comes along these days.
“It's all about a "tolerance for discomfort…
People who healthfully navigate firings, divorces, and other super difficult situations are able to do so because they're aware of their emotional worlds — which are often uncomfortable places.
What I'm talking about is an acceptance that our drive, this insatiable appetite for comfort and happiness, does not reconcile with who we are as people. Sometimes we have to do tough things and feel our way through tough situations, and we have to feel tough emotions." Brene Brown
It’s not easy. To keep getting back up again, to keep bouncing back. But sometimes it’s ok to stay on the floor. Just enjoy being there. Setbacks can start to consume you. Resilience can feel tiring. So it’s ok to do something you might enjoy amongst it all, it’s ok to laugh, have fun, indulge in yourself.
It might be the break from being Strong you need.
eleanor
www.anotherdoor.co.uk
Are you Resilient proof?
( I got the note out there, a bit late, but hope it still counts!)
I love this. Recognising that sometimes crap happens and that giving in is the ok thing to do, and that we can feel happy and sad at the same time - and not be crazy or unrecoverable - is what resilience is all about for me.
Thanks for keeping these coming, Eleanor.