Guilt can manifest in us in so many different ways. We feel guilty for not spending enough time with our family, we feel guilty for pursuing an ambitious career, we feel guilty for not having bold goals, we feel guilty for not eating well, for not exercising enough, for exercising too much, we feel guilty for thinking about our own dreams. Guilt goes on and on and on. |We feel guilty for feeling guilty.
Guilt is like that guest at a party that turns up already too drunk. It turns the music up, dances wildly on your new cream sofa, sloshing red wine down the cushions. It takes the attention. When actually you were having quite a nice time before it turned up.
Guilt is also what marketing headlines feed you for lunch. The online headline that makes you think yes that’s me, what are they selling, I should buy some. I don’t have a dream job, maybe I should? I don’t live like that, maybe I should. I don’t smile that much when I drive my car, maybe I should get a new car. My children really should look that happy eating fish fingers. Should. Should. Should.
“No middle class revolution can defend the barricades without a shower and a large cappuccino. You might as well fight them in yesterday’s underwear…
From sandwich to summer school, they were the symbols of subservience and the enemies of freedom.”
― J.G. Ballard, Millennium People
Society lives on subtle (not so subtle) guilt. You should have school certificates, get a job, girlfriends, boyfriends, get married, get a better job, buy a house, have children, annual holidays, join clubs, get a dog, keep your garden grass cut short. And if you don’t? Well, what happened? Are you ok?
Guilt might be right, or at least it might be a sign that we aren’t where we want to be, or there maybe something we want to change. Or it might be that we are exactly where we want to be, it’s just others that make
Guilt might also just be what you think you should be doing, and not what you want to be doing.
Guilt, therefore might be useful to us. If we feeling guilty, why? And if we explore why, why don’t we change things?
Guilt isn’t the guest you want at your party, so at some point you have to ask it to leave, but before you do, ask it why it showed up in the first place.
eleanor
(I quote J G Ballard Millennium People, a brilliant book, written many years ago, but so relevant to today)
What does Guilt mean to you?
Ooh, this is a good one! It means working, and not working; it means finding time for myself and also being there for my children. It means eating that donut while also feeling my clothes getting smaller. It’s the hard won knowledge from two marriages and the feelings that come with having failed twice. And so many more! It’s a weirdly powerful motivator to do things that don’t create good feelings. And I’m wondering if it’s almost entirely self generated. Other than in a court of law, who decides guilt? I’ve just realised it might be me.
The noise this one makes in my head is the guilt of the working mother. Wanting to be there for them but wanting to earn to make all our lives better and not being able to do both simultaneously to the level that i want.
I also feel some level of guilt when I go out and do things for me but if I stay home no wants to interact anyway (teenagers)