Circle
Thoughts about our People Circle while sitting in the Circle waiting to watch Russell Brand
I’ve been a big Russell Brand fan for a while. So it was a real treat to see him live on his tour last night.
When I got home I got out my notebook and scribbled random thoughts that were floating around.
One of those thoughts was about the people around us when we change, I’ll call it Our People Circle.
My thoughts began when the people sitting behind us at the gig started to feel uncomfortable at the music being played as we waited for him to come on stage. Quite a spiritual, hypnotic song, the sort you would find on a retreat deep in the hills of Ibiza, originating in India at some point before it got remixed.
Their uncomfortableness made me wonder how many in the audience had come to see old Russell. The funny drug addict, famous for wild tales and debauchery. The old Russell who we got drunk with, laughed with, maybe even resonated with.
Russell knows this, and understands it, and addressed it straight away. ‘Who in the audience is thinking ‘what the fuck is this shite music?’ he says as he joins the stage. ‘Yeah, I know, it’s going to get worse for you, but I’m still funny, don’t worry.’
He met people in the place they were.
Because he has changed. Some people are here to see new Russell - they have just discovered him or they’ve changed with him. They meet him where he is now.
It’s not that they (me) necessarily think the same as him, it’s that they (me) have changed how they see him and gone with it.
Others have not changed with him, and are here to see old Russell.
Because when we change, not everyone around us will change with us. For us to see someone in a new light means we have to change as well. Not necessarily change our life too, but certainly change our thoughts about that person.
It’s what happens.
When any of us change. When we change career.
Some people will come with us. They will change with us.
Others will not appreciate that disruption to their norm. They are happy to stay with old versions.
They fear new versions.
And they will do anything to avoid the feeling of fear. The Feeling of It. The thought of it. Fear is not a thing. The new version is not a threat. The feeling of fear is a threat.
When we start to feel slight discomfort we do everything possible to help us get back to a safe comfortable place, even if we know that comfortable place isn’t the happiest place.
Comfort, fulfilment, happiness are not the same thing.
If you decide you want change in your life you’ve probably already tossed and turned and thought through the fear a lot, for a while maybe.
So when you start to share your thoughts with friends and family (and fans) , your People Circle, you are starting that processing for them too.
Of course you are not asking them to change their life (well, you might be), but you are asking them to ask them to change how they think about you. That is change for them. You’ve started the change reaction for them.
We know the good old change curve of Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. Any change you will go through resistance, denial, frustration, a low, acceptance, resurgence and normality again. In reality this is like a bowl of spaghetti, one minute you are ok, one minute you are deep in worry, all in a day, a week, months, years.
In Another Door, and my book, I talk about the Curve Ball Curve.
If you’ve been thinking about change in your life, you have already been going through these emotions. You might be even getting used to it, just like we get used to turbulence on a plane. You know it’s part of the process of change you really want, so you are ready to ride with it.
But now you are sharing your thoughts with others, inviting them into this change curve experience. And not everyone will be ready to ride with you.
In the work we do in Another Door it’s frequent that people have few friends and family who support their career change at the beginning.
Our People Circle gets ruffled when we start to change the deal people in the circle feel they are signed up to.
You feel alone and misunderstood. At a time when you are trying to find strength to change you want people to support you and encourage you. It’s disappointing to find they are resistant. But where they are is at the start of their own change curve. They are now processing. Trying to work out what this will mean for them. Is this going to be Ok for them.
They will project their fears, for you, for themselves.
They will protect their comfort zone at all costs, even if it’s not a happy place.
(It’s scary to find out your comfortable place is not a happy one.)
They will close down possibility to fight for the right to keep safe.
And You will loose energy on being disappointed They aren’t joining you hand in hand on the ride.
This is where change grows or wilts away.
Some people will change with you. Some people won’t.
The ones that can’t grow with you might drift away. With family they will slowly join the ride, it might just take longer than you want or need. They might never join the ride but connection will remain in the circle.
You need fresh people around you to keep you going, to keep you on track, to keep you growing.
So.
This is what I was thinking as we waited for Russell to come on stage. And as the people sitting behind us headed off to the bar to get a few more pints lined up to ‘get through the first part.’
When people change, when we change, there is no avoiding a ripple change for others.
We can choose to join the ride. Meet them where they are. Or we can choose not to.
Keep us, and them, where we feel comfortable.
One of those options might need a few more pints to get through it than the other.
eleanor